Imagine yourself in a cross-functional meeting. You’ve just presented a project proposal you’ve been working on for weeks. You’re halfway through explaining the roadmap when another team member asks some questions. A few others join in. There’s a brief discussion, and then the feedback comes in: “We think this needs more work — maybe take more time and come back.”
You nod politely, but your inner chat kicks off as the meeting ends.
They didn’t get it. They never do. The marketing team didn’t support me. I wouldn’t be redoing this now if they had just given better input.
This inner chat may be familiar to many of us. It feels justified. It feels protective. But what’s actually happening is something deeper. Psychologists call it the self-serving bias. When things go wrong, we instinctively look outside ourselves for the cause. Conversely, when things go well, we’re more likely to take the credit.
It’s not a flaw in our personality; it’s a natural human defence. It’s a way to protect ourselves — a means to preserve our sense of self-confidence. However, when this bias becomes habitual, it transforms into a broader cognitive distortion: a consistent tendency to interpret events in ways that are not entirely accurate but feel emotionally safe in the moment.
Often invisible to us, these distortions shape how we engage with others and how resilient we remain over time. When we habitually blame others, we tend to experience more interpersonal conflict, defensiveness, and a slower rate of learning—not because we’re incapable—but because our attention is misdirected.
Blaming is one of the most common thinking traps, and it often sneaks in without our realizing it. Instead of stopping to reflect on what we could have done differently, we quickly find reasons to blame someone else. It’s a way of protecting ourselves from the uncomfortable feelings that accompany criticism or failure. However, the downside is that when we consistently shift the responsibility outward, we miss the opportunity to look inwards – to learn or improve. Over time, this habit can subtly hold us back.
The problem with blame isn’t just that it’s unfair — it’s that it’s unhelpful.
Let’s return to that meeting.
The proposal may have areas that needed more clarity. Perhaps there was a missed opportunity to involve a key member for their thoughts and ideas, or to involve cross-functional teams to co-create the proposal, and some more data points. All of that can be true. However, when blame dominates the narrative, it leaves no room for curiosity or for more important questions to consider—the ones that help us grow.
Blame may feel like control, but in reality, it renders us passive. It emphasizes what others should have done rather than what we could have done. Over time, this pattern creates a barrier between us and our capacity to learn. And it gets so much into our system that we fail to see this pattern.
Here’s the good news: cognitive distortions are not facts. They are thoughts — thoughts shaped by emotion, habit, and self-protection. And like any thought, they can be noticed, examined, and gently reframed.
The moment you hear yourself thinking, “It wasn’t my fault,” or “They just didn’t understand,” take a pause. Inercept the thought. Beacuse that’s your cue- a small invitation to step and ask:
- “What else might be true?”
- “What part of this could I have influenced — even a little?”
- “Is there something I overlooked in my own approach?”
This isn’t about blaming yourself. It’s about opening another possibility that your power lies not in being right, but in being willing to learn. It’s a quiet shift from defensiveness to awareness.
Sometimes that shift is all it takes. One thoughtful question. One honest moment. And suddenly, you’re not stuck in the loop anymore — you’re already on your way forward.
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Authored by Sanjay Gupta. Founder and Principal Consultant, Leaping Frog Consulting Services
Leaping Frog, a new-age consulting firm, is an enabler and co-creator in enhancing people and organisational effectiveness. We love doing work in the areas of “Driving Organisational Change and Development”, “HR Systems and Talent Strategy”, “Learning Solutions” and “Leadership and Life Coaching”.
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